Finally got my package from Omii! Salamat! So kilig with the ring, ang gandaaa! 🥰

Hello sa pagmamaganda ko 🥰

My heart’s aching again… that small, burning sensation akin to having butterflies in your stomach… only this one is anxiousness, not kilig. I don’t know if I’m nervous abou the upcoming training evaluation, or because it’s just late night again… and that feeling’s returning again.

Should I drink water? Or should I continue working?

I don’t want to think about that thing I don’t want to think about. Deep breaths, I’m taking them right now.

I hope I don’t falter tomorrow.

You know what I just realized? I don’t have a go-to friend.

I can’t ask my friends for more of them. I can’t tell them how I feel – how I really, deeply feel, especially on my downest moments, and expect them to understand me. I can’t ask them to listen, to be there for me, to look out for me, or even to care for me, even when I do these things for them. I can’t ask for their undivided attention, or even for their time, even when I can willingly give up my time for them.

I feel like I’m asking too much, when I know they got problems of their own, that they have their own life they need to sort out, too. It’s like, our friendship has boundaries.

I’m not okay…. But even these words I cannot tell them. I hesitate to tell them, because I fear being rejected – I fear they won’t have time to listen to me, or they won’t be able to empathize with me, or they’d just give me toxic positivity or empty words. I don’t need those. I only need time and sincere ears. Is that too much to ask?

But anyway. I’m glad in these trying times I connected to the right people – those who would listen without judging, and who would go through your whole process of storytelling, no matter how late at night it is. I am so blessed to have these people. We aren’t that close, but they didn’t make me feel like I’m taking too much of their time, or that my concerns were not important. If anything, they made me feel heard, understood, and somewhat valued. They made me feel that they care. Those, for me, are enough.

(But seriously, I hope I have more people in my circle who’re like that; I can’t take bothering these few people every so often just because of my concerns. I’m afraid they might get fed up. :/)

Couldn’t sleep so I reread all my previous posts, the personal ones. And I am in awe of how good I write back then. Even the most dramatic ones, hahaha! I felt every happiness and sadness, each confusion and love. Oh, how it feels to be young and inlove! Reading my posts made me remember those times. Instead of cringing or feeling awkward, however, I enjoyed reading my posts. It was a trip down memory lane, and I enjoyed every bit of it. I smiled through my posts, and even laughed at dramas that were written in English! Haha.

Sabi nga ng friend ko, ang hirap magdrama in English ha. Haha.

So there. I sure have healed from my past pain and troubles. I’ve written before about hoping the right one wouldn’t come yet, cos I’m not yet ready, but this time, I am praying the right one will show himself up, and prove that he indeed is the right one, just in case I don’t recognized him.